I Choose...
Saturday, February 17, 2007
What a week this has been. It's probably been the most life-changing week I've experienced so far. And what a strange thing to change you life - putting your child into daycare fore two days.
As you know, Lilly was a bit of a surprise to us. Well, actually she was a complete surprise. Hubby and I were all gung-ho about starting a new business. I had just quit my job and had only been working on it for two months before I found out that I was pregnant. Of course, I always wanted children and we knew we were luck to have gotten pregnant so easily when some people really struggle. So, we embraced it and were happy. The whole experience has been great - with the exception of the post-partum health problems I'm still dealing with.
The adjustment to motherhood was very difficult. Previously, I had been a very intellectual person and being in my 30's, I was quite used to my independence and having time for "me". Not only did I have to learn how to care for a baby and manage the household chores, but I had to reconcile this with the loss of "me". I felt like I gained a new part of myself but lost the old part that I was familiar with. The solution, or so I thought, was two-day a week daycare, where Lilly would thrive in a fun learning environment while I had time to be an individual (and intellectual) again.
Well, that didn't work. As it turns out, I couldn't bear to be apart from my baby. I missed her desperately and spent the entire time wondering what she was doing. Sure, the daycare center was safe environment for her, but it wasn't a nurturing environment. It wasn't a suitable substitution for spending her day with mommy. She's still so little and she needs to be with me and I also need to be with her.
For some reason this has been a turning point in my life. All of the sudden I have a whole new appreciation for motherhood and the deep meaning of it. Previously, motherhood was something that happened to me, but not by conscious choice. It was a new phase of life - a change of roles. It was great, but also difficult. It still is, but all of the sudden it's a conscious choice I'm making. It's didn't just happen because unexpectedly became pregnant a bit sooner than planned. It happened because I am now making a conscious choice to be a mother. And I love it! Lilly is my precious, most wonderful, cutest, perfect little baby and I just love her to pieces!
posted by Avorie @ 5:10 PM,
4 Comments:
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At 4:13 AM,
Amanda and Tim said...
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What a lovely post! I am so happy to hear this :o) Good for you!!
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At 8:43 PM,
Reesh said...
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That's really nice! What a great way for you to fully accept your new role. Even I, who planned and ploted our pregnancy and new right down the minute when I conceived, have had a hard time with the whole change of identity thing. Some days I think I've figured it out and am fully ready to embrace my new me, and other days, well I'm just not there yet.
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At 8:51 AM,
Isabel said...
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You are a wonderful person and an amazing Mother.
Isn't it interesting what will provoke us into learning new things about ourselves?? Good for you for trying to do something for yourself and good for you for finding what you truly want to do and be.
Keep us the good work!! -
At 7:38 PM,
Avorie said...
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Reesh - gosh I thought it was enabled. Now I have remote hosting. Maybe that has something to do with it?
