Sacrifice
Saturday, May 13, 2006
I had planned to nurse Lilly exclusively until she is a year old. She's is only three months old and I'm already considering switching to formula for the sake of my health. I'm feeling guilty for wanting to put my health before hers, but I'm about at my whit’s end with medical stuff. For example...I'm having thyroid problems. I have 4 benign (we hope) tumors that are most likely related to breastfeeding. The doctor wants to keep an eye on me and treat it if it doesn't go away when finish. As a result of the hyperthyroidism, I'm HOT all the time. You'd think I was a woman in her 50's with all these hot flashes. Hubby walks around the house in sweats and blankets while I'm in shorts and a T-shirt. Don't even ask about our electric bill!
And to make things more difficult, Lilly is allergic to milk protein, so I have to eat a completely dairy-free diet which is naturally low in calories.
I've also been having major intestinal problems since I stopped eating diary and was diagnosed with Crohns Disease two weeks ago. Supposedly, a flare-up of Crohns can be triggered by hormonal things such as childbirth and breastfeeding. After going through some awful procedures/biopsies to confirm the diagnosis, the doctor put me on two prescription medicines (lots of pills three times a day and worse). I'm going to get a new doctor because this doctor made errors on both prescriptions and the pharmacy had to call her to figure out what she wanted me to have (the dose actually set off a red flag in the CVS system)! I need a doctor who can get something as important as medicine correct. Besides, the doctor wanted to see me again two weeks after the procedure but her office can't fit me in for a month - even though I told her that the medicine wasn't working and I thought I was having an allergic reaction! As it turns out, I'm very allergic to the medicine! Now I have a horrible case of itchy hives all over, several types of rashes, my hands are so swollen that I can hardly wear my wedding ring, and I am SERIOUSLY grumpy. I am miserable and nothing is helping - not even benadryl every four hours or prescription topical cream.
Between the hyperthyroid, which makes me hot all the time and speeds up my metabolism, Crohns disease which causes me not to absorb nutrients, my stomach to hurt whenever I eat, and for me to have to run to the bathroom about 30 times a day, and having to eat dairy-free diet that doesn't contain a lot of calories, I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight (note: weight does not equal shape!).I'm really sick of all these medical issues. Just knowing they might go away if I stop breastfeeding is very tempting (so is the thought of having diary again). So today, I went out and bought a can of Good Start soy formula. I'm not sure if I'll give it to her. I feel so guilty about it, but at the same time I am miserable. What if I put her on formula (assuming she'll take it, which she hasn't in the past) only to find that it doesn't help my medical problems? I can’t believe I was okay during the pregnancy and then had a baby and fell apart. I’m only 30 years old!
I don't know what to do. I really want to do the best thing for both of us.
posted by Avorie @ 7:12 PM,
11 Comments:
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At 8:03 PM,
Stacy said...
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Wow..I do not blame you for wanting to switch to formula. I have an almost 6 month old who is on it now because of a nursing strick. Anyhow...another mom I know also has Crohns supliment feeds her daughter formula when she flared up since she herself was on a liquid diet and weak herself. Noone is going to shoot you for formula feeding...your poor body needs a break. Good Luck! :)
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At 10:49 PM,
ezri.blue said...
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Please don't feel guilty for wanting to switch to formula for Lilly. I was unable to breastfeed properly from day 1 anyway, and the decision when she was a week old (and LOSING weight from me bfing) was a tough one. I kept thinking it would get better and she would put on weight, but she didn't. When we decided to switch to formula, I felt so overwhelmingly guilty for about two weeks before I finally got over it and let it go.
Ultimately your health is most important at the moment. You need to do what's best for you, so that you can continue doing what's best for Lilly.
An *excellent* website that I have found is the Babywhisperer site (http://www.babywhisperer.com/). The women in those boards, particularly the bottle feeding boards, have been incredible in both information and support. I hope that helps :)
And if you decide to go bottle with Lilly, please try not to feel guilty for too long about it. She will thrive just as well. :) (Be prepared for stinkier nappies though!) -
At 12:02 AM,
Isabel said...
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Oh my goodness. Bless your heart. I can't imagine what this must be like for you guys. But in the end you have to do what is best for all of you.
(I don't even know what to say about your doc getting your meds wrong!)
Good luck getting this all worked out. I'll be thinking of you guys.... -
At 9:56 AM,
said...
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What a predictament. As a breastfeeding mother I feel bad for you! But, in order to take care of your daughter the best way you can you need to be healthy yourself, so there's nothing wrong with putting yourself "first" when it comes to this. Yes, breastmilk is better, but there's nothing bad about formula. Your daughter will still grow up to be a beautiful, healthy little girl.
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At 12:02 PM,
said...
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I know you know this, but sometimes it bears repeating: Formula is not poison!
And little Lilly will do better with a happy, healthy Mom and formula than with a Mom who is worried and sick and irritable because she can't even eat normally.
We've all read the zillion studies on why to breastfeed. Those babies are X% more this and Y% less that. But remember, those numbers fall on a distribution curve. Nursing for a year isn't a guarantee that Lilly will be X% more this or Y% less that. And formula feeding doesn't mean Lilly will have any bad outcomes at all.
(One thing I haven't seen is any socioeconomic analyses of all the nice 'benefits of nursing' studies. How much of the benefit is just from the breastmilk, and how much from being born into a more educated family with health insurance? I ask as an adult who was bottle fed.)
Another thing about all those studies is that they say there is a benefit to nursing for any amount of time. You've done that for Lilly for 3 months already.
You should be proud of having endured so many health challenges with nursing her this long! -
At 10:16 AM,
Cindy said...
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Yeah, what Liza said! ;P
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At 12:08 PM,
Anth said...
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Of course you didn't ask for advice, but... :) I think it would be awfully hard to be a good mom to Lilly if you are constantly sick, weak, and exhausted. My friend has grappled with Crohn's for years and it really takes a lot out of her. I really think this is a situation where what is best for you is also best for the baby. Squelch guilty feelings! You KNOW that you are a good mom!!!
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At 3:04 PM,
liz said...
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Bleargh.
I feel for you, truly.
Nursing, for me, has not been easy.
We had to move from exclusively nursing to supplementing when Henry was just 3 weeks old. I'd be lying if I said I don't still feel guilty that I can't feed my baby what he needs, but at 8 weeks, he's gaining weight and is a much happier baby. And I'm a much happier Mommy.
So, even though it's easier said than done, you can't beat yourself up about supplementing or switching entirely.
At the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you. A healthy and happy Mommy makes for a healthy and happy Lily (and Henry!). -
At 12:21 PM,
Reesh said...
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Are you pregnant again?? You're ticker at the top of your page says you are 4 days pregnant...
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At 1:00 PM,
Erika said...
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Well you know me, Miss Formula Feed, and I can honestly say I have no guilt. I cannot imagine the pain of Crohn's disease and (like many other posters said) even if stopping the BFing doesn't help your condition, you will have one thing off your body's plate to deal with. A healthy, well-rested mom is the best thing for baby (in my opinion).
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At 2:02 PM,
Avorie said...
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Yikes! No, I'm not pregnant again! I need to take that ticker off. I've been lazy and I guess it rolled over to the next year's Feburary 19th due date!
