Roller-coaster
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Geez... My life is a roller coaster. I've been feeling much better. In fact, other than my restricted diet, I have felt like a normal person. The anti-biotics and anti-inflammatory drugs were really helping my IBD. But now that I've finished the course of anti-biotics, all my symptoms are returning. I couldn't even make it through the shower this morning with out stepping out to use the bathroom twice! And that's after I went before I got in the shower! This is making my life so difficult. It's difficult to leave the house or even do household chores. I can't even carry my baby around without feeling pain. Never mind that she is hysterical when I have to run off to the bathroom. But what am I supposed to do? My mom is still living with us, which is very helpful because she can watch the baby when I'm feeling especially bad. It's just hard to watch someone else take care of your baby because you cannot. I want Lilly to be close to her grandma, but at the same time, I want her to know I'm her mommy and I just love her so much.
It's not like I can will this all away. I've been trying for months. I've stuck to my insanely strict diet, taken all my medicine, and I'm still loosing weight and feeling bad (except for about three weeks when I was on Cipro). What else can I do? I'm waiting for the doctor to call me back so I can tell her that I'm just getting worse. She's going to want to put me on steroids, which mess with my head, and immunosuppresants.
I'm too young for this. It's not fair. I had a baby and now my body is attacking its self? What of logical sense does that make? I think this will have to be our only baby. If we're only going to have one, we sure do have a wonderful one! Of course, she was a bit of a surprise (ok, a big surprise) and now I'm just scared of having another surprise. I don't know if my body can take it. Hubby wants to make some permanent decisions in that area so we don't have any risks, but I'm just not ready for that. What if I eventually get well again and we want another? But then, I don't think I could ever go through this again if I was lucky enough to get better in the first place.
I'm having a rough day.
posted by Avorie @ 8:19 AM,
2 Comments:
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At 12:56 PM,
Kristin said...
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I'm sorry Avorie. When your health is down, it's hard to keep your spirits up. I hope your doctor has more solutions for you. I'll be thinking about you & Lilly!
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At 4:23 AM,
Emmakirst said...
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I really hope that the steroids help you this time, although i know how much they f&*K with your mind. I've been on them way too long and am just getting sick of them, they actually are doing nothing for me now, the only thing helping now is taking 5 immodium a day. Freaking IBD! My GI specialist wants me to get a tubal done before I go on my immunosupressants, it's all too depressing. I really wish there were some cure for this.
